It’s been a while since I sat down to write a blog. I was so sad when I took a look at my blog site archives and saw my last blog was March 2018! Even today when I set myself up to write I must have delayed and distracted myself about twenty times. “Oh, let me have a snack, let me make my son some lunch, let me do a quick puzzle on my NY Times app.”
If I think about my main excuse for not writing since 2018 I can hear myself saying, “I’m too busy with work.” Truth, but not the whole truth. I had been thankfully (gratefully!) working a lot since 2018. My business picked up and I was using my brain power for my clients! And what time and energy I had left I gave to my son, my husband, my friends, my family, my volunteer work, my fitness, my networking…the list goes on. Then COVID19 happened and my work came to a screeching halt and I was suddenly with all of this time on my hands. And to no one’s surprise (especially my own), I didn’t start writing.
My pandemic free time got filled with job hunting, making beds, cooking three meals a day, at-home workouts, emptying the dishwasher more times than I cared to count, micromanaging my son’s distance learning, catching up with old friends, making meticulous shopping lists for grocery store sprints, hunting for toilet paper. Anything and everything that would take away my writing time. About four weeks into quarantine my husband, who is my biggest cheerleader, asked if I’d start blogging again. I gave him some lame answer about wanting to write but not having any photo content to go with my blog posts. He dropped it after that. Then my therapist, who consistently asks if I’m writing and who must be tired of me consistently saying no gave me this assignment: “Think about what’s stopping you and we’ll talk about it next time.”
Now I had homework! Now I was forced to think! And here it is, it comes down to two things: self-doubt and self-judgement. All of this time I have been doubting my ability to connect with my writing and connect with others through it. I have also been judging my progress, or lack thereof, and putting myself down for it. I did a little Googling on self-doubt and how to overcome it and it comes down to just doing the thing you’re afraid to do. As for self-judgement…I have some more work to do. I know better than to be bothered by other people’s points of view about me. But my own self-critic…boy, she’s a beast! So my plan is to take some baby steps by writing every week and not being so dang hard on myself in the process.